In the past did marriages last longer out of love or out of not having a choice? Did they last longer because we were taught you made your bed so lay in it? Was the past a more romantic time or just a time of acceptance?
After thirty-eight years, I wonder if my marriage has entered its final chapter. I try to see when it began to end and can not put my finger on the exact moment or even get close. It was gradual and no one event caused this illness.
Once we could not stay away from each other, now we can hardly stay in the same room. Once we talked for hours, now we hardly talk at all. Once we use to hang on to each others words as if we could taste the sweetness of them. Now the bitterness shows on his face, my words are of no importance and my presence is not desired.
I shall not say it was his fault or mine. There is no one fault here. I only know I can not bear to see the hate in his face any longer.
I check the pulse of my marriage like a paramedic automatically checks a decapitated corpse for life. There is but a thread of love's heart beat...do I pull the sheet over the face of this or do I try CPR one more time?
I know it's hard to decide whether to try to save this marriage or let it go... after 38 years, and if you've tried numerous times, I guess I would say let it go. Even though that's a lot of time to have invested in your marriage.
ReplyDeleteBut if you think BOTH of you haven't really given it a fair shake, then maybe you do need to try just one more time.
If things don't work out, then my motto is "life is too short"... don't spend your time in a miserable place. Make plans to move forward to a better place and time.
I've had one divorce and one 37 year marriage, so I know that place you're in. The first marriage was two young 'uns who shouldn't have married in the first place (though love was there), so the ending was painful but not a total surprise. This current marriage is in many ways what you describe, minus the not being able to talk to or be in a room with each other. We don't despise each other, and there is at least the memory of love there, as well as the commitment, but it's just not what I thought it would be when we exchanged those vows. We've had several issues over the years that have put dents in the relationship that we never really recovered from. We don't sit and have 'converations' like we used to, or go places together, but we are civil and conducting a life. You could even say that, except for time with daughter and grandkids, we lead lives parallel to each other instead of hand in hand and connected. He spends his evenings in the living room, I in my office at the computer. We have separate bedrooms. Yet I would never leave mine because ... well, just because. But I read other blogs where they talk about their husbands still being their knight in shining armor, or how close they are and wonderful things they do together, and I feel such a pang of envy. Gail, I don't think you are alone in this, that there are other women (and men!) who are in varying degrees of unhappiness in their marriages. Frankly, speaking for myself, I'm grateful to hear from someone else! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteHi Gail,
ReplyDeleteMy friend and I were just discussing this recently how after the kids are grown and gone you realize you don't even know that person left in the house with you. It's a time of rediscovery and sometimes you do rediscover the love we had when we were young, and sometimes you wonder what in the hell you were thinking when you were younger!
I think in the past it was just more acceptance and commitment to the vows, but I'm sure people felt the exact same way. It's just more accepted to move on these days if it's the right thing to do for all involved.
Wishing you the best whatever you decide!
I am in the same boat as you. Married to someone I don't like any more. We have nothing in common. But I can't afford to get a divorce and live on my own. I think we are both waiting to see who will die first.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. Hubs and I have only been married nine years this month, but I find us living separate lives and not communicating. Our problem though is that we are both so damn busy, we don't even have time to talk, and when we do, we're both just tired. It's frustrating.
ReplyDelete